News Ticker


(POLITICAL SATIRE)(WASHINGTON– DECEMBER 2, 2017) The Senate this evening passed the most complicated and sweeping tax overhaul in a generation, assuring that middle class Americans will at long last share in $500 worth of prosperity, the average cut for most middle class families.

“This bill finally rescues workers, and will be so meaningful to average hard working people,” said Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “That $500 will buy a family at least 250 lottery tickets, making a chance at the American Dream that much closer.”

Sen. Susan Collins of Maine, whose support had been uncertain, finally voted “Yes” when she received a personal guarantee from McConnell that cuts to Medicare would not happen.

“He looked me right in the eye and promised,” Collins said. “He also told me that Santa would be bringing me a pony this Christmas. I’ve been waiting for a pony since I was a little girl.”

Sen. John McCain, worried about the lack of “regular order” in the Senate, said he was satisfied.

“The fact that the bill was hand scribbled on 500 pieces of paper towel from the Senate men’s room means it has a sense of urgency lacking in bills that are written on regular paper and given to us in time to actually read,” he said.

The fact that the bill adds a trillion dollars to the debt is not a concern.

“We can take care of that, ” said Speaker of the House Paul Ryan. “We simply have to rework Medicare and Social Security so that these programs don’t really work anymore.  That’s why I’m hopping that Americans will save that $500 tax cut in a health savings account. We’re all about personal responsibility, which is why we’re so keen on cutting the deficit.”

Democrats responded to the bill by saying they were eager to be voted back in power so that they could again let the GOP paralyze them into doing absolutely nothing to fix any of this.

“We’re looking forward to it,” said Minority Leader Chuck Schumer.