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(POLITICAL SATIRE) (WASHINGTON, August 9, 2017) White House aide Stephen Miller said yesterday that President Trump was the “Most gifted orator of our time.”
The President seems to agree with them, because he has just released re-writes of the most famous speeches in Presidential History.
The Failing Times reprints them here, in their entirety.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN at GETTYSBURGH
Four score and…well, actually, some people are saying it’s five score. It could even have been six score, I don’t know, you tell me–am I right? But the point is, it was a lot of scores. And when you think about it, it wasn’t nice what England did to us, and so we said, enough, it’s time to make the colonies great again. And here we are, and there’s a war between north and south, and it’s a mess, folks. And the fake media will tell you that I started it, and how the hell could I have started it? I was playing golf.
FDR CALMS THE NATION AFTER STOCK MARKET CRASH
Hey–, there’s really nothing to see here. The market crashed, but you know, I got out a month ago on an inside tip from Joe Kennedy. So I’m going to be all right, trust me. That’s what’s called being smart and a good businessman and there’s that. But I also have these hats, and they say NEW DEAL. You in the crowd. With the hat. Stand up. See? That’s a great hat. What a hat. NEW DEAL. You know, my advisers said, “Go out and say NEW DEAL” and I thought, they’re nuts, that’s terrible. But you ate it up. So, we’re gonna be fine, believe me. We’re gonna take care of this depression, first thing. And Mexico will pay.
EISENHOWER WARNS OF THE MILITARY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX
You got nothing to worry about here. It’s a great complex we’ve got going. It’s the best complex, really. And we are going to win with this complex. You’ll get so tired of winning with this complex, that you’re going to scream at me, “stop already with the complex, you’re killing us.”
KENNEDY TV ADDRESS DURING THE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS
Folks, some people are saying that the Russians are putting missiles in Cuba. I’m not buying it. It’s fake news. Why would they do that? They know if they ever attack us I’ll get Khrushchev in a titty twist that will make his eyes water. And because I’m famous, he’ll let me do it. This whole Russia in Cuba thing is a fabrication. Didn’t happen. It’s because they lost the election, which I won by the largest margin in the history of the world, and many people are telling me that, it’s not just me talking. It’s sad, when you think about it…
REAGAN AT THE BERLIN WALL
Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall! It’s ugly, and anyway, I’ve got a really nice hotel I’d like to put up. Don’t worry, the Russians are financing.