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Betsy DeVos Named Sec. of Education; Privatizes In-School Detention

By Keith A. Almli ( [CC BY-SA 3.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons

(Political Satire, STILL Legal in the USA) (WASHINGTON, Feb 7, 2017) In her first official act as Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos today turned over in-school detention to Acme Cellblock, Inc. a private prison company.

As of tomorrow, any student serving detention will be under the supervision of private guards working within the public school system. Teachers and administrators will no longer have to bother with disciplining unruly students.

Next on the list of things to privatize are lockers. As of April, students will rent their lockers from the Amalgamated Locker and Scissors company, a private enterprise that makes lockers, and scissors.

Scissors will also be privatized, but not until early next year, when outside private vendors will also rent all boxes of crayons to students.

An inside source said that DeVos was preparing a plan to give families all over America a voucher to buy their favorite teachers.

“It’s just so much more efficient this way,” President Trump said. “She has so many beautiful ideas, the best ideas, really.”

When The Failing Times asked Secretary DeVos what is the most ambitious change she wants to make in public education, she said:

“Wait. Education is public?”



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