News Ticker

Press Secretary Says Trump Has Largest Hands in Presidential History

Gage Skidmore (

(Political Satire, STILL legal in USA) (WASHINGTON, D.C–Jan 22–Presidential advisor Kelley Ann Conway and press secretary Sean Spicer held a joint news conference where they presented compelling alternative facts that President Donald J. Trump has record breaking sized hands.

Reading from what looked like a legal pad written on in black Sharpie, Spicer said:

“The President has absolutely the biggest hands. The President’s hands are huge, believe me. He has no problem in the hands department, I can tell you that. Lincoln’s hands were way, way, smaller. And you in the dishonest press know it.”

“I’ve seen them up close,” Conway added. “And they’re the best hands. And If the media keeps reporting on how small his hands are, we are going to have to re-think our relationship. Perhaps we should just be friends. I don’t think it’s going to work out.”

The spokespersons also insisted that alternative facts proved that Trump was the most popular President in United States history.

“All those women, millions, walking in the streets yesterday in support of Trump, and we hear none of that in the press. It’s appalling,” the press secretary said.

According to inside sources, right after the press conference, Spicer broke down backstage and left weeping. “I’m so unclean,” he was heard saying as he headed for the door.


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