(Political Satire, Still Legal in USA) KENTUCKY– The Pickle family announced today that they are distraught and at the end of their rope, worried sick that the dress shops in Washington, D.C., are out of dresses for Donald Trump’s White House Inauguration Ball.
President-elect Trump is the source of this devastating news, which he Tweeted out to his supporters yesterday.
Tommy Lee Pickle, 48, an out of work welder, whose entire family is about to lose their healthcare when Obamacare is repealed, could barely hold back his tears.
“It’s not fair. These poor women, you know, they want to get all spiffed up to go to that fancy ball, and they have to wear some old hand me down beaded thing from a resale shop that Meryl Streep probably wore at the Academy Awards or something.”
Pickle’s wife, Eleene, 44, who is diabetic and because of this preexisting condition could not become insured until the Affordable Care Act– was equally floored.
“It’s a nightmare. I keep asking myself, isn’t there something I can do? I don’t really have a really fancy dress, but I do have a black thing I wore to my Daddy’s funeral that I’d be happy to lend out,” she said, tears in her eyes.
When The Failing Times asked the Pickles if they weren’t frightened that losing healthcare would send them spiraling into poverty, Mr. Pickles said, “I’m sure my Obamacare will be replaced with something better, like a Health Savings Account. Just last month, after all my bills were paid, I had $17 leftover, and if I could have put that into an HSA it would grow tax free and by the end of the year I’d have $17.12 to put towards medical bills,” he explained. “Besides, it’s hard to worry about something so trivial when woman are going without dresses.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said there were “many members of Congress, of both genders, who would be willing to lend their own dresses to help mitigate this unprecedented disaster. Including myself.”
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan immediately said the House would be looking into appropriating an emergency billion dollars to purchase dresses from China and have them flown in before the Inauguration on January 20th.
When Russian President Vladimir Putin heard about the China plan, he offered free shipping if the U.S. would buy the dresses from his country.
But former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton held a special news conference to announce that she had emptied out her closet and that a convoy was headed towards Washington with her entire campaign wardrobe.
“We’ll get those pantsuits into the White House, one way or the other,” she said.
This is POLITICAL SATIRE, and NOT Real News.