(Political Satire, Still Legal in the USA) WASHINGTON– House GOP members hastily met after an avalanche of unhappy voters demanded they leave the Independent Ethics Committee alone, and dropped their plans to place the committee under control of the House itself.
“I told them this wouldn’t work,” said Paul Ryan, who was selected for another round as Speaker of the House. “We have much more important things, to do, like finally repealing the broken Obamacare and leaving healthcare in ruins for millions of America.”
Later, in a speech in the House, Speaker Ryan was giddy with glee.
“I’ve dreamed of this moment my whole life. Some of my friends dreamed about girls, or driving fancy cars, but I always dreamed about a united Republican government. When I was a little boy I used to pretend I was Speaker of the House and there were only Republicans. I even had a little podium in my basement.
“To my fellow Americans, I say that this landslide victory for Donald Trump, where he lost the popular vote by the largest margin in history, has given us a once in a lifetime opportunity to really screw things up for the average American family. And based on how we misread this ethics thing, you can have real confidence in us.
“We hear you, America. You’ve told us you’re tired of Social Security and Medicare keeping our parents and grandparents out of poverty. You’ve told us you’re tired of seeing billionaires struggle to make ends meet while middle class workers reap all the benefits. You’ve told us you’re tired of Americans electing Presidents, you want Russians to vote too.
“We hear you. I intend to keep this place humming at full speed, gutting and destroying programs left and right.
“To the one percent– we won’t let you down.”
This story is POLITICAL SATIRE and NOT Real News. Smile, everybody.