(Political Satire, Still Legal in the USA) WASHINGTON– GOP lawmakers decided today to get rid of ethics by moving the independent Office of Congressional Ethics to the control of the members it would be investigating. Basically, they will police themselves.
“In this new GOP Congress, we don’t really need ethics anymore,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said. “We’ve already gotten rid of facts, so this seemed to be the next logical step. We’re all about lean government.”
Speaker Ryan said he was eager to get to work for America.
“We are eager to get started dismantling the safety net that President Roosevelt carefully put into place during the Great Depression,” Speaker Ryan added. “Ethics would only slow us down. Besides, ethics will only be strengthened by being weakened. We call this rule change The Strengthening Ethics By Making It Go Away Act.”
President-elect Trump called Ryan’s remarks, “Double-plus good. It just proves how much Republicans care about regular Americans. We’re the party of patriotism, out for the greater good, believe me. Plus, we already have the best ethics, and we’re going to do a real good job, trust me.”
Also included in the GOP rules package was a new provision that requires Democratic members to at all times wear a special bi-partisan blue version of the “Make America Great Again” hat. The hats will be sold to Democrats by the Trump Foundation for $550 each.
In addition, under the new rules, which will receive a final vote on Tuesday, all GOP members will immediately be required to list all donations, campaign gifts, and spending in special, invisible ink.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi was unavailable to comment, according to a spokesman, because she ran out of ways to say, “I hate these people.”
This story is POLITICAL SATIRE and NOT Real News. Smile, everybody.