(Political Satire, Still Legal in USA) BULLETIN– In a surprising development, Jesus announced today at a press conference that He has been rethinking his attitude towards the poor.
“I’ve had a great deal of discussion with the incoming Administration,” Jesus said early today. “They make some very good points about the poor having some skin in the game, especially when it comes to healthcare and federal food programs like SNAP.”
“In Indiana, if you’re in poverty you have to pay for Medicaid and if you miss a payment, you may lose coverage. I used to think this was a sin and immoral, but in my discussions with party leaders, I can see that it fosters personal responsibility,” the King of Kings said.
“So, with that in mind, I’m offering some re-writes to the Sermon on the Mount, to better fit with the new philosophy of the incoming administration.”
“In the old version of the Sermon on the Mount, I say, ‘Blessed be ye poor: for yours is the kingdom of God.’ ”
“The new version will read, ‘Blessed be ye poor: for yours is the kingdom of God, providing you fork over a co-pay, have a job, and don’t miss a single student loan payment, ever.’ ”
“In the old version, I say, ‘Blessed are ye that hunger now: for ye shall be filled.’ ”
“The new version will read, ‘Blessed are ye that hunger now: for ye shall be filled, providing you work at least 60 hours a week, minimum wage, no overtime. ”
Jesus had some new things to say about the rich.
“You know, I think I may have been a bit hard on the moneychangers in the temple. I mean, the only real way to help the poor is to cut social programs, make them take responsibility for their poverty, and give a massive tax cut for the top 1%”
As “Jesus” was leaving the press conference, The Failing Times could not help but notice that his beard was slipping and that he looked surprisingly like Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan.
Speaker Ryan was unavailable for comment.
This story is POLITICAL SATIRE and NOT Real News. Smile, everybody.