(Political Satire, Still Legal in USA) EXCLUSIVE– Confirming what expert analysts have suspected, Death, The Grim Reaper, said today in a quick press conference that it was “horrified” by the “massive screw-up” that led to the taking of “all the wrong people” in 2016.
“Prince, Harper Lee, David Bowie, Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds,and so many more, it was all a terrible mistake,” Death said today. “I’m asking for forgiveness.”
Sources close to the Grim Reaper said that Russian hacking was suspected.
“It is impossible that so many of the most horrible people still walk the earth, and that some of our best are gone. We suspect that the list of people for Death to take was hacked and manipulated by the Russian government,” said an anonymous source.
Sources inside both the CIA and the FBI confirmed this.
“It’s mysterious–baffling, really,” said an unnamed source inside the intelligence community. “I mean, just look at the people about to take over the United States government, and then look at the people who died this year. There’s no other explanation. It has to be the Russians.”
But Russian President Vladimir Putin scoffed at the idea.
“They’re dead. They lost. They need to learn to die with dignity,” Putin said from the Kremlin.
President-elected Trump said, without a hint of irony: “We all ought to get on with our lives.”
When Death was asked how it intends to make up for the terrible mistakes of 2016, it replied:
“Oh, just you wait. I’ve got some real surprises up these black sleeves!”
This story is POLITICAL SATIRE and NOT Real News. Smile, everybody.