NEW YORK– This morning, Christmas, the Secret Service responded to a disturbance coming from the Penthouse of Trump Tower.
“We heard shrieking. At first we thought it was Mr. Trump’s son reacting to all the piles of Trump-branded gifts he got,” said a Secret Service spokesman. “But then we realized the cries were coming from the President-elect.”
According to the family’s doorman, Alexei, “mounds and mounds of coal were piled high in Trump’s living room when he woke up to see what Santa had brought him. He was not happy. In fact, he kicked Taco Bowl, his dog.”
Mrs. Ida Mae Washington, Mr. Trump’s childhood nanny, said, “Donny loves Christmas. And I know that he wrote a big letter to Santa after he won the election, and he expected Santa to bring him everything he wanted, including a nameplate for his desk that said The Donald-President. But it seems that Santa had some other plans. I told him he shouldn’t have grabbed that woman in her private place.”
Minutes after discovering his pile of coal, Trump took to Twitter in a frenzy.
“Santa confused my house for crooked Hillary’s! SAD” and “@santaclaus is a fat pig! #IDon’tBelieve.”
Mr. Claus, when reached for comment, said, “I see you when you’re sleeping, I know when you’re awake, I know if you’ve been bad or good, so stop lying for goodness sake. And, seriously, Donny, what in the name of Rudolph is wrong with you?”
Similar reports of Santa leaving nothing but coal are being investigated at the homes of Steve Bannon, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, James Comey and Vladimir Putin.
This story is POLITICAL SATIRE and NOT Real News. Smile, everybody.