(Political Satire) NEW YORK– Late last night, President-elect Donald J. Trump went on Twitter to announce: “Just saved three thousand jobs at Double Chin Doughnuts from going to Mexico!”
But according to Augustus Broccoli, the owner of Double Chin, Mr. Trump greatly exaggerated the facts.
“First, it wasn’t three thousand jobs, it was three. And they weren’t going to Mexico– we were moving two bakers and a counter person from our shop on 54th street to our shop on 56th street. I mean, do they even eat doughnuts in Mexico?”
When asked whether Double Chin Doughnuts received any tax breaks in exchange for keeping the three workers at the 54th street location, Mr. Broccoli said. “Well, yes. I mean $7.5 million in tax breaks is a lot. We don’t even sell that many doughnuts in a year, so it’s a big win for us.”
The Failing Times asked Mr. Broccoli why he thought the President-elect would take such an interest in his business.
“He’s been coming in for years. He loves the Double-Chocolate Bacon Glazed. I don’t blame him. It’s 3,000 calories, but delicious.”
When Mr. Trump heard Mr. Broccoli had contradicted his version of the facts, it initiated an immediate Tweetaliation from the President-elect.
“Double Chin Doughnuts lousy. Terrible, terrible doughnuts, believe me. Used to be great–sad.”
Almost immediately after his Tweet, Mr. Trump appeared in the lobby of Trump Tower and surprised reporters.
“You know, $3.50 for a doughnut is really, really outrageous. I don’t think anyone should pay that for a doughnut. I think Mr. Broccoli and his company are really pulling a number on us here,” the President-Elect said.
“Actually, our doughnuts are $3.50 a dozen,” Mr. Broccoli said.
Mr. Trump’s comments immediately sent Double Chin’s stock price plummeting, from $.35 a share to $.28 a share.
Almost immediately, Mr. Broccoli received death threats.
“It’s been pretty ugly. I had one guy come in who said he was going to shoot me in the head. But then he ordered a couple dozen cream filled, so it evened out.”
This story is POLITICAL SATIRE and NOT Real News. Smile, everybody.