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Trump Goes On “Thank You Tour” to Celebrate Losing Popular Vote by 2.5M

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(Political Satire) CINCINNATI — President-elect Donald J. Trump took to an unpacked arena in Ohio this evening to thank his supporters and bring the country together again by mocking just about everyone who ever disagreed with him.

“First, I want to say to my first grade teacher, Mrs. Hammer, who yelled at me for taking Billy Smith’s bottle of Yoohoo, that I didn’t take it, he gave it to me after I promised to give him back his asthma inhaler.  You’re such a nasty woman, Mrs. Hammer!”

The crowd in the arena instantly started chanting, “Lock her up! Lock her up!”

Eventually, Mr. Trump got around to the election. “We won, and won big! Hey, 2.5 million popular votes,” he said, pointing to himself. “Pretty good, huh?”

This time the crowd seemed confused, but when someone yelled, “Make Mexico pay for it!” they began chanting, “Drain the swamp! Drain the Swamp!”

The climax of the evening came when an actor dressed like a CNN reporter was invited on stage, and Mr. Trump gave him a wedgie. The crowd went wild.

Backstage during the rally, The Failing Times asked Mrs. Ida Mae Washington, Trump’s childhood nanny, if the rumors were true that she almost didn’t let him come to the event that night.

“Uh huh,” Mrs. Washington said. “I told Donnie he wasn’t coming to any party until he finished his homework. I told him, Donnie, you sit yourself right down at that kitchen table and you read at least one of those security briefings, or you’re not going anywhere. Well, he kicked at the dog some– but he read one.”

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This story is POLITICAL SATIRE and NOT Real News. Smile, everybody.

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