(BREAKING Political Satire) MILWAUKEE– The Wisconsin Election Board slowed Jill Stein’s efforts for a ballot recount in the presidential race between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, by raising the fee from $1.5 million dollars to $3.5 million dollars, plus Hillary Clinton’s “living, beating heart,” according to the spokesman for the board.
When asked how the fee could increase to such a large number, and now include Mrs. Clinton’s beating heart, the assistant to the assistant Chief of Elections, Madeline J. Cutpurse, told The Failing Times, “I don’t make the law. But the law is clear. It says right in the statutes that the fee now includes Mrs. Clinton’s beating ticker.”
When a spokesperson for Stein’s campaign asked that “if the estimate of fees was so off, how could anyone trust the vote count?’ Ms. Cutpurse had a ready explanation.
“That’s simple. The calculator we used for the fees had old batteries. When we added up the votes we used my new calculator, with a fresh pair of double A’s.”
In a related matter, Judge Hubert M. Punkmeister, one of the judges hearing the case, refused to rule that the recount be conducted by hand, something Stein’s camp has insisted upon. Instead, the judge ruled that the recount should be conducted by using “the same voting machines that were hacked by the Russians.”
But in a last minute development, attorneys for the Election Board offered a compromise solution: a hand recount undertaken by former Vice President Dick Cheney, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, former Mayor Rudy Giuliani, and Lucifer, The Prince of Darkness. The compromise was rejected by Stein’s representatives.
Late today, The Failing Times asked a Clinton staffer about the demand for Secretary Clinton’s living, beating heart as part of the recount fee.
“That idea is a non-starter,” the staffer said. “Although, in the interest of protecting a fair and honest counting of votes, Mrs. Clinton is considering donating a kidney.”
This story is POLITICAL SATIRE and NOT Real News. Smile, everybody.