(Political Satire)(WASHINGTON) – US-Russian ties were thrown into disarray as Russian President Vladimir Putin pulled out of a planned “date night” with the Mr. & Mrs. President-elect Donald Trumps.
Putin, along with his companion, swimsuit model Zoya Vedeneyov, had planned to dine last Friday evening with the Trumps at a DC-area Applebee’s, then attend a screening at a local movie theatre. Sources told The Failing Times that those plans were scrapped when “an irresistible annexation opportunity suddenly arose” for President Putin.
Putin is known to adhere to a rigorous annexation schedule, sometimes appropriating up to a dozen countries in as many hours.
The Russian embassy issued a statement that read in part, “While the President and Ms. Vedeneyov had looked forward to Applebee’s famous borscht and a screening of the movie Trolls, urgent business of state simply made this historic double-date impossible at this time.”
A member of Putin’s inner circle, commenting anonymously, said that Putin, in order to keep the scheduled plans with the Trumps, briefly considered annexing the District of Columbia in order to avoid leaving the U.S. “But the sad fact of the matter is that D.C., with its puny land mass, simply fell short of the ‘annexation footprint’ desired by our esteemed leader,” the source said.
For his part, President-elect Trump tried to put a positive spin on the uncomfortable situation, tweeting “Force of nature! When Vlad gets a bee in his bonnet, DJT knows when to step aside!” Privately, however, Trump is said to have been “bitterly disappointed.” Sources close to the soon-to-be chief executive, choosing to remain anonymous to avoid execution, complained that he’d postponed seeing the film in order to accommodate the Russian president’s busy schedule.
“It’s only playing until this Thursday,” the source quoted Mr. Trump as saying. “Now I’ll have to wait until it’s on pay-per-view. It’s sad, really.”
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